The Lioness in Winter

An unusual wave of warm weather has washed over my town and although the trees are still bare, the sun is shining and the promise of spring seems near. But this has just been the beginning of some great news. On a post I made back in October, a dear friend of mine, Linda, was going through a terrible time with chemotherapy. Six treatments, so torturous, that I couldn't bring myself to post more about them or her fight in early December to come out of a coma. We were all very, very scared, stepping on every moment carefully as if it would shatter into our last together. Linda is a writer, and a good one at that. She is also a huge giver and has shared so freely her support and motivation in my writing. Before she got sick, we spoke daily and passionately about all aspects of writing, life and friendship, but when her treatments began the focus had to be on her health and I have missed her. I call her Lioness, as it is a name she gave herself years ago when she began writing. (Also songbird and rooster, but I don't like them as well). It is a name of strength and courage and if ever the character of a name should fit a person, it is now. Linda called me. After treatments of chemo, blood poisoning, hair loss and struggling back from a coma, she called to tell me her cat scan came back CANCER FREE! I danced on the other end of the phone as she laughed. "Whooo Whooooo!" I cheered. "Now all we have to do is have a hair growing party!"

"Oh, you", she giggled, knowing I liked to tease. "It will come back. It will, it will."

'I know it will', I thought with certainty, and I felt the triumphant pride of a true lioness having won a terrible winter battle stretch across the long telephone line, and I was glad to have my friend back.

Keeping the Faith....

Lately, I've been hibernating. On an emotional level, I mean. 'So what? It's winter isn't it?' I rationalize, even though I'm a bit annoyed with myself, ever cautious that I don't get depressed. There is days old snow on the ground and the leaves are gone off of the exposed brown limbs of the trees. There are contracts, books, agents, jobs, research and general catching up to do from the holidays, but that's not what's bothering me. Too much, it seems, of an emotional nature, has been going on in my life as some of you may have read from my recent posts, and I have just felt like I needed to pull back, become more reflective and remember to keep the faith. Tragedies and heartaches come at me sometimes rapidly and challenge my idea of what the world should be. In times like these, I am tempted to take on the "injustices" in life and question them, as if I have a right to put all things in order. Thankfully, I check my ego at the door rather quickly these days and I realize soon enough that that is not my job. I am not God. And the God of my experience is a faithful loving force, even if I don't always understand my own pain or the pain of the world.

You know, right about now it makes me laugh to think of someone's sarcastic remark made about me on another site, where I am called Oprah-like. If to have and recognize my spirit is Oprah-like then, how cool is that, I say. Oprah-like and damn proud! And...I'm keeping the faith.

Prayers

Hey all, Here is a somber post. A plea for prayers...please.

On the set of Wonderland I had the pleasure of getting to know the First Assistant Director, Luke Scully. He was mellow and kind, with many words and deeds that helped me cope with some of the harder shoots of the film. Sadly, he is among the many listed as missing in Phuket Thailand and today, after the family sent a private investigator, the news came back bleak. I hesitate to say anything final, except to continued the families wishes and focus on a shred of hope, asking anyone who may read this and is willing, to say a prayer, send a good thought, whatever you know how to do in a time like this, not only for Luke, but his family and girlfriend, Angie Foust. Angie was with him and is missing also.

Please, send those prayers and thoughts out...it is what we can do.

Blessings,

Dawn

VAL KILMER FANS!

Hey all, If you're interested, the wonderful people over at vkn.com have posted an article that Sharon Holmes and I did recently. Some of you have been asking about it and here it is. It is in the December issue of their newsletter. I know that many of you are Val Kilmer fans and I think you will have lots of good reading from the devoted people who post over there.

Also! Very, very soon, I want to give you a heads up with changes coming on the official Val Kilmer site that is currently in the works. It's an all new design and content scheduled to be up and running before the end of this month. The link is valkilmer.com and is also listed at the side of this blog. This one, I'm told, promises to be a glimpse into the creativity of the actor and if it in anyway reflects what I witnessed on the set of Wonderland, then we are all in for a treat.

Thanks again to everyone at VKN!

Dawn

Just in case...

Just in case...anyone is interested in a direct link to Patong Beach, Phuket, Thailand for tsunami information and/or relief updates, here is a link that my family stays close to: phuketgazette.net. There are pictures and a list of the still missing. For the gentleman named Movie Fan, there is information and links for contributions to the area directly. My father also said that The Red Cross is fine and you can designate your donation to go specifically to an area of your choice. Later, after a reasonable time, you can call and ask where directly did your funds go. The pictures here tell alot. It takes awhile to get through them. Good news on the dive shop that was next to my father's old place. They are all safe and had actually been on the ocean near Burma, I believe. My father informed me last night that phone lines are back up as of yesterday as well.

Tough stuff.

Dawn

Happy New Year!

Back from the coast with family and friends. Exhausted and trying to catch up on the emails, messages, and cards. So sweet -- all of your condolences regarding the loss of so many from Thailand. I will sit through your comments more thoroughly tomorrow, I promise. I only wanted to send the best out to all on the New Year! May your New Year be everything your hearts desire.

Blessings,

Dawn

PARADISE IS GONE!

Shock woke me this morning. My husband yelling, "DAWN! Thousands killed in Thailand. It's on the news. An 8.9 earthquake! Your Dad!" "WHAT?" I came running downstairs, my thoughts reeling. 'An earthquake? Oh God. An 8.9. If that hit the city of Bangkok, it would be leveled!'

CNN blasted the headlines as my husband handed me a cup of coffee. I held my breath... "The earthqake centered in Indonesia, launched tsunami waves up to 30 feet high washing away close to 200 people off the beaches of Patong Beach, Thailand."

"Oh my God", I whispered, still in shock as the pictures flashed before me the devestating remains of a place I called home for almost 6 years. Bangkok was safe. My father, brothers and sister were safe, but Paradise, the hotel on Patong Beach I helped my father open in 1982 -- the place I called sanctuary after running from John out of the country, was no where to be found.

In a matter of minutes the phone rang -- my sister on the other end. "Dawn. I just talked to Dad. It's gone -- all of it -- Paradise is gone."

'Oh no', I thought, 'what about all of our friends? What about all the people we knew that made that tiny community their home?'

"Dawn, you there?" my sister asked.

"Yeah, I'm here."

"Do you know how lucky Dad is? How lucky we are?"

"Yeah. I know," and I was left without words. Our father sold the hotel less than two years ago. We were all there, on the oceanfront hotel he and I named Paradise some twenty years before. We were celebrating the change of ownership and ringing in the New Year of 2003. A beautiful bay off the Indian Ocean where, in the eighties, I taught windsurfing with a gentle yellow Lab who adopted me, and rented bicycles to tourists. The bells of those bicycles ring in my ear now. "Jaka-yan...Jaka-yan!" I can hear my voice calling out the word for bicycle in Thai. Then I realize, as I sit here and write, that the windchimes outside my door are ringing too...and I wait for more news.

Dawn

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

Dear All, The presents are wrapped, the cards are all sent, there are cookies for Santa and my daughter and I are dressed in our holiday best. I'm taking a moment before running out the door to begin the holiday rounds of food and good cheer to wish you all the brightest...THE BEST...this season...and year.

Okay, for some reason that came out like a sort of poem. It may have to do with hanging around a five year old, but I somehow think it is als0 the child-like part of Christmas in me showing it's colors, readying me for celebration. Who cares? ...I'm just gonna go with it.

From the bottom of my heart, I want to say thank you to all who have sent good wishes and shared your experiences with me. I wish you all so much love, peace and especially hope. I have so many wonderful gifts in my life today...miracles do happen.

My daughter is anxious, I've been on the computer too long. She's calling from the front door, ready to leave. "Come on Mom," she says, "just say Merry Christmas and let's go!" There is great wisdom in children.

Merry Christmas,

Dawn

Premiere and Gallery Pics!

For anyone who might want a gander, I have been graciously given these two pics from the VKN people. Above is a group shot of the Wonderland Premiere. What an impressive group of actors! Standing next to Josh Lucas just before the shot, he looked down at me and asked, "Are you scared?" His meaning, I thought, was whether I was nervous about seeing the final version of the film. "Yes", I told him. Then afterwards I wondered if he might have meant if I was scared of all the people -- because the crowds were certainly overwhelming!

I don't know who took the picture below, but it is with Val Kilmer and Ali Alborzi (pictured) at Val's Wonderland Art Show in Santa Monica. It was amazing to see the turn out and the appreciation for the art, (I will be posting more information on the artwork very soon). The short-haired gentleman is none other than David Mamet -- writer, director of Spartan, a film in which Val was in the process of shooting the lead role. This was definately a more relaxed evening and tons of fun. Amazing things can happen in life, blessings abound. Who would have ever thought after such a terrible past, that I would be standing in the company of such talented, well esteemed people as an equal and a friend.

Enjoy and I'll try to keep more pictures coming!

An Update!

Very quickly I'd like to pass on that the BBC piece called, "The Secret Map of Hollywood", which covers the Wonderland murders, will be aired in February instead of December as previously posted. Thanks,

Dawn

A Message...

First, I would like to say thank you and welcome to the many people who have logged on to this site to inquire about my book, send good wishes, and to share their experiences and hope. My intentions for this site were to do just that and I feel I am truly blessed when I log on and read how some of you can relate on a personal level and how powerful it is to know that you can turn your life around and come out whole. When we all share, we are all inspired. On a side note I would like to say to those very, very few who have posted messages ...shall we say... of a negative nature, this site is not for that. If you feel a need to be judgmental, don't like what I have to say or doubt my words because you have read "somewhere" that I said something that appears a conflict, those comments simply will not be posted here. What I can say is that everything I post is the truth as I experienced it and at times I am simply not able to give more details because my agent won't allow it due to the book. There is nothing more to say here except...more will be revealed.

Happily, so far, I have mostly read genuine comments from the heart. We know who we are and we know the truth when we hear it. I cannot tell you how moved I am when I read the words of a fellow survivor. It is an indescribable feeling of freedom, joy and yes, victory. Somehow, all the pain of the past flashes before my eyes and I know it was for a reason -- it was for you. All of your voices, posted here on this simple site, tell me loud and clear that I am in the right place, doing the right thing and I thank you.

Peace and Blessings to you all.

Dawn

P.S. My new computer arrives next week and I will finally be able to post more often. Thank you.

Gratitude

Count them...write them down...the things you are grateful for. "I can't", I think. But today, it's because there are simply too many! My heart is full. Faces seem to float to the top of my thoughts. My daughter's beautiful smile...my family...good friends...a home...a warm bed...having enough. Yes enough. I am not hungry, I have purpose in my life. My deeds are well intended and I feel whole. At first, in the beginning of getting well, I saw nothing -- everything was dark to me. This pain, my pain, had to stop I decided, and so I made a committment to find my elusive light. A friend, Nan, who had offered me help, gave me instructions. "Write them down", she told me in an absolute tone, "Even if you don't feel it. Write down at least three things everyday that are gifts you are grateful for. Do this everyday, say thank you and more will come...I promise."

'What a crazy task', I balked, but I did them anyway. I said I would.

1. My dog. 2. Pizza. 3. Sleep.

My list stayed pretty much the same for many months, I remember, except the pizza, and sooner than I realized, my view of the world began to get lighter. Suddenly, I could move a little better -- freer, instead of constantly stumbling in the dark. I couldn't put my finger on it -- there was just more color everywhere -- and for some reason I was surrounded by it. Miraculously, I realized, with gratitude, I was in the presence of the beginning of hope.

Those days have turned to years now and when I hear the words of my good friend Nan say, "Write them down," instead of a list of three, I am guided to this computer to do just that.

Be grateful!

Dawn

Welcome!

Welcome! Thank you to that special angel who gave so generously to enable this site to open and to the other angel who has given so much of her time to walk me through, what promises to be an amazing site.

Thank you also, to everyone who contacted me to see if I was alright and shared with me your own heartfelt stories of survival. I consider each and every one of you important; each one of you that for whatever reason, "connected" with my experience. Yes, I am alright, and doing well after a very difficult past. This is exactly what I want to share -- the hope.

Hopefully, this site will grow to be a place to communicate and pass along helpful information. My fondest wish is that this site be a launching pad for great things to come.

My Best,

Dawn Schiller